sorry not sorry

I get these heart palpitations sometimes. I'm actually not sure if they're palpitations - it's never been diagnosed. What it feels like is a skipped heartbeat, like the muscle is staying squeezed for too long, doing these quick little knifelike flutters for a half a second before resuming its normal pace.

It happens when I'm stressed, or anxious, or angry.

It's happening now, but I'm not stressed or anxious.

I'm angry. And sad. And ... furious at this crushing sense of helplessness, at the feeling of having no agency, no real ability to directly and immediately change the problem.

A friend of mine just wrote about being catcalled - no, about being sexually harassed, because "catcalling" has a jaunty, silly, just-having-fun sound to it - by her neighbor as she was walking home. She was shocked and disgusted, and kicked herself for not having a quick clever comeback, and didn't know what to do with the rage the instance caused, and was afraid because this man lives five houses away from her.

I don't know a single woman who hasn't experienced something like this. I literally can't think of one. I can't count the stories friends have shared with me, stories that feel like deja vu: requests from strangers to just smile, baby; men on public transit rubbing themselves while they stare at your tits; casual remarks made about your body so you feel like wearing eight layers of sweaters every time you step outside; strangers following you down the street while you try to convince yourself that you're just being paranoid but knowing that the fear is there for a reason and that it's not totally illogical and hating that you have to fight yourself and feeling guilty for feeling afraid.

What's infuriating is that people do these things without shame, without any sense that this is a shitty way to treat another human being who has thoughts and emotions.

What's infuriating is the fear I and many women feel which prevents us from calling these people out - what if I say something to them that reminds them I'm a human, and what if that makes them feel ashamed and then angry and then what if that anger makes them violent (because lashing out and making the bitch shut up is easier than examining one's own flaws and admitting that one has been a supreme asshole)?

What's infuriating is the culture that dismisses these things as being "just how life is," protecting harassers and pushing the recipients of this harassment into silence, telling them to "deal with it" or "get used to it".

What's infuriating is that I can't force clarity and understanding and empathy into the minds of harassers. I wish I could Professor X them into realizing why doing and saying that shit is a terrible way to treat people.

What's disappointing, but fixable, is that even intelligent, kind, well-meaning people can be hugely unaware that this is something their daughters, sisters, friends, girlfriends deal with all the time.

And that seems to be the only solution: making people aware that this bogus unbelievable shit still happens, all the time, without any fear of social judgment or consequence. Once people are aware, things can change. Once people understand, the culture can change.

I was supposed to write a story, but this is what I'm giving you instead. I'm ... never mind. I was going to say I was sorry, because it seemed like the polite thing to do, but politeness is going to have to excuse me today. No apologies for saying what needs to be said.

My heart's still palpitating (or whatever). But I'm hoping it won't have to for long.