Before registering for the 1007th Underworld Spelling Bee, please make sure to read the entry rules in full.
1. Demons entering the contest must be between the ages of 50 and 400. Demons over 400 and lost souls are NOT permitted to enter.
2. The entrance fee is the 150 screams from lost souls. Participants are encouraged to collect their own screams. If a participant is unable to afford the entrance fee, please contact the Marquis Naberius.
3. The will be held in the area on the 9th level of hell on June 6th at 6:00 pm. Participants must arrive by 5:00 pm to register and receive their number.
4. Participants must be accompanied by a demon over the age of 800.
5. All words and spellings will be taken from the Lesser Keys of Solomon, first edition.
6. All spellings must be given in Sanskrit. Using other alphabets or languages will result in disqualification.
7. Prizes will be awarded for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place. The prizes are as follows:
1st: 1000 screams from lost souls, 1 trip to the surface world (3 days, 2 nights, meals and hotel included), and a signed photo of Lucifer
2nd: 500 screams from lost souls and a signed photo of Lucifer
3rd: 250 screams from lost souls and a signed photo of Lucifer
8. Participants who do not place will be banished to the Forest of Suicide to live as a withered tree for 15 years.
We encourage all young demons to participated in the 1007th Underworld Spelling Bee, one of Hell's proudest traditions. All questions and concerns may be directed to the Marquis Naberius. He can usually be found guarding the entrance to Hell in the shape of a large, 3-headed dog.
The High Council of Demonic Academic Excellence wishes all of our contestants the best of luck. See you June 6th!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Internet Lingo of the Damned
Our chatrooms are haunted places with black backgrounds and blue text. The connection is bad, so sending messages can take an eternity. We drag down the phrases we used to know; they suffer with us.
2nite means always and 2moro is a sick joke. IDK is wishful thinking--we cannot help but know.
IMHO: If Mephistopheles had overheard...
FWIW: Fell when I was...
LOL: Living our loss
404 is not simply a nuisance.
2nite means always and 2moro is a sick joke. IDK is wishful thinking--we cannot help but know.
IMHO: If Mephistopheles had overheard...
FWIW: Fell when I was...
LOL: Living our loss
404 is not simply a nuisance.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Spirit Days
My self-summary
Hi I'm Danielle! I'm a nurse at City Hospital in the cardiology wing. You could say I know alot about hearts ;)
What I'm doing with my life
Working hard but also playing hard! I love going to the bar with my gfs after work, I am the karaoke queen. I'm working on getting a bachelors degree so I can be a nurse practitioner someday.
I'm really good at
Karaoke lol. I am actually really good at grilling stuff. Like, hamburgers and crazy stuff like pineapples. Seriously it sounds weird but I promise it's super delicious!
The first things people usually notice about me
My red hair. Usually I'm in my scrubs so I guess people notice that.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I don't get to read alot unless you count text books! My favorite movie is The Breakfast Club and my favorite TV show is New Girl. I like 90's music like Ben Folds Five and Barenaked Ladies, and I also even still love N*SYNC and the Spice Girls. Lol! I will eat anything but I have a bad habit of eating to many french fries!
The six things I could never do without
My friends. My family. My phone. My car. My puggle Chipper. Margaritas!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Fashion. I know it's weird and it's not like I'm super into clothes or whatever. But I always think about how when I was a kid and we had spirit days at school and we got to dress up like the 70's and the 80's and everyone had on bell bottoms. Or leggings with cropped sweatshirts and big hair. I look at stuff like ombre or hipster clothing and I like to imagine about what kids will wear for spirit days in the future when their supposed to dress up like the 2000's or 2010's. Ok lol now you think I'm crazy!
On a typical Friday night I am
Working probably! Otherwise I like to hang out with my friends at Charlies or else sit on the couch with Chipper and watch a scary movie.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit
Most of my friends who are nurses believe in ghosts because you see a lot of crazy unexplainable stuff at the hospital, but I don't! I do believe in reincarnation though.
I'm looking for
You should message me if
You like to laugh, have fun, and play with adorable puggles.
Karaoke lol. I am actually really good at grilling stuff. Like, hamburgers and crazy stuff like pineapples. Seriously it sounds weird but I promise it's super delicious!
The first things people usually notice about me
My red hair. Usually I'm in my scrubs so I guess people notice that.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
I don't get to read alot unless you count text books! My favorite movie is The Breakfast Club and my favorite TV show is New Girl. I like 90's music like Ben Folds Five and Barenaked Ladies, and I also even still love N*SYNC and the Spice Girls. Lol! I will eat anything but I have a bad habit of eating to many french fries!
The six things I could never do without
My friends. My family. My phone. My car. My puggle Chipper. Margaritas!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Fashion. I know it's weird and it's not like I'm super into clothes or whatever. But I always think about how when I was a kid and we had spirit days at school and we got to dress up like the 70's and the 80's and everyone had on bell bottoms. Or leggings with cropped sweatshirts and big hair. I look at stuff like ombre or hipster clothing and I like to imagine about what kids will wear for spirit days in the future when their supposed to dress up like the 2000's or 2010's. Ok lol now you think I'm crazy!
On a typical Friday night I am
Working probably! Otherwise I like to hang out with my friends at Charlies or else sit on the couch with Chipper and watch a scary movie.
The most private thing I'm willing to admit
Most of my friends who are nurses believe in ghosts because you see a lot of crazy unexplainable stuff at the hospital, but I don't! I do believe in reincarnation though.
I'm looking for
- Guys who like girls
- Ages 22-32
- Near me
- Who are single
- For new friends, long-term dating, short-term dating
You should message me if
You like to laugh, have fun, and play with adorable puggles.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Can't Drive 55
The best part of Jen's morning is the man with the Oldsmobile. It's a car full of swagger in the beige neighborhood, the engine roaring even at 25 mph, the gold paint straight out of the 70s, a relic from her senior year of high school.
Every day, he drives past the coffee shop blaring ZZ Top or Foreigner like the car itself is laughing in the face of the new-age bullshit she has to play for the novelists who spend all day with their Mac books and small coffees, trying to be the next Hemingway.
Jen wants to leap over the counter, pulling her hair out of her ponytail and run to that car. By the time she gets there she'll be wearing a jean jacket with padded shoulders and her hair will be teased beyond all recognition.
The man won't even look at her as she climbs in through the window. He'll just turn up the radio, Sammy Hagar screaming as they drive off towards the past.
Every day, he drives past the coffee shop blaring ZZ Top or Foreigner like the car itself is laughing in the face of the new-age bullshit she has to play for the novelists who spend all day with their Mac books and small coffees, trying to be the next Hemingway.
Jen wants to leap over the counter, pulling her hair out of her ponytail and run to that car. By the time she gets there she'll be wearing a jean jacket with padded shoulders and her hair will be teased beyond all recognition.
The man won't even look at her as she climbs in through the window. He'll just turn up the radio, Sammy Hagar screaming as they drive off towards the past.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Accident
It's that guy
You realize when you step out of your car to get a better look at the damage. You didn't curse when you rear-ended him, but now you wish you could, because he's getting out of his Volvo and you realize
It's that guy
That guy you went on an OkCupid date with six months ago. You thought he was cute enough, and his profile said he liked stargazing, so you went out to the desert at night to do precisely that. You drove out to the desert in that very Volvo, the one whose bumper you've just lightly crushed. You drove out there with a blanket and a bottle of red wine and you thought this is exactly the kind of thing my mother warned me not to do and you thought it is a decent place to dump a body and you thought at least I'll die in a beautiful place, beneath the stars.
You didn't die, though.
In fact, you thought the date went pretty well. You made out for a while, and even though he was slightly too enthusiastic with his tongue, you weren't about to complain. But he never called you again, and you got angry with yourself for going out with a guy who lists "stargazing" as one of his interests, because how cliché is that?
That guy doesn't remember you. He's pissed, but he keeps his voice down. For a moment you wonder if you should remind him. You decide against it. You exchange insurance information. He drives away.
You examine the front of your Oldsmobile. Barely a scratch. That thing's going to last forever.
You realize when you step out of your car to get a better look at the damage. You didn't curse when you rear-ended him, but now you wish you could, because he's getting out of his Volvo and you realize
It's that guy
That guy you went on an OkCupid date with six months ago. You thought he was cute enough, and his profile said he liked stargazing, so you went out to the desert at night to do precisely that. You drove out to the desert in that very Volvo, the one whose bumper you've just lightly crushed. You drove out there with a blanket and a bottle of red wine and you thought this is exactly the kind of thing my mother warned me not to do and you thought it is a decent place to dump a body and you thought at least I'll die in a beautiful place, beneath the stars.
You didn't die, though.
In fact, you thought the date went pretty well. You made out for a while, and even though he was slightly too enthusiastic with his tongue, you weren't about to complain. But he never called you again, and you got angry with yourself for going out with a guy who lists "stargazing" as one of his interests, because how cliché is that?
That guy doesn't remember you. He's pissed, but he keeps his voice down. For a moment you wonder if you should remind him. You decide against it. You exchange insurance information. He drives away.
You examine the front of your Oldsmobile. Barely a scratch. That thing's going to last forever.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Orion
"I don't get constellations."
You stop in the middle of trying to get the wobbly zipper of your jacket to work (it never zips higher than like two inches up from your belly button, which makes you look totally dorky but you always forget until you've already started zipping, and then it doesn't seem worth it to undo it) to stare at your best friend, Jamie. "What?"
"Was everyone insane, or what?" Jamie gestures skyward. "It's dots. Not hydras or princesses or warriors."
"I mean, you're supposed to imagine them," you say slowly, worried that your friend is a lot dumber than you previously thought, but not wanting to say so right away.
"Uh, no shit. But, come on - that's clearly a box. That's a line. That's another lopsided box thing. What kind of idiot looks at Boxy McSquiggle and is like, 'Gee whiz, what a swell magic hunter man! Willikers!'"
You can't help but get a little defensive. Since you first figured out the concept of constellations (you have this memory of learning about them in fourth grade, but that can't be right, can it? you must have known about constellations before then), you've always had a soft spot in your heart for Orion. It was the first constellation you knew how to identify. His belt, the bow in his hand, his faithful dog, Sirius.
"Probably someone who had an imagination," you say, trying to inject as much acid as you can muster (which isn't much) into your voice.
"Probably someone who had way too much time on their hands, you mean," Jamie says, too focused on being clever to notice your attempt at sarcasm.
You sigh, because you're not really mad at Jamie. You never are. Sometimes you think being Jamie's friend is kind of like being a constellation yourself: you're pretty interesting and you've got some neat stories, but someone's gotta be pretty invested to find out about them, and - besides - you kind of pale in comparison to the loud, colorful carnival that is Jamie.
Jamie snickers. "Ha, look, those stars down there below his belt make up his dick."
"It's Orion's sword," you say.
"How's it hanging, Orion?" Jamie crows. "To the left!"
You stop in the middle of trying to get the wobbly zipper of your jacket to work (it never zips higher than like two inches up from your belly button, which makes you look totally dorky but you always forget until you've already started zipping, and then it doesn't seem worth it to undo it) to stare at your best friend, Jamie. "What?"
"Was everyone insane, or what?" Jamie gestures skyward. "It's dots. Not hydras or princesses or warriors."
"I mean, you're supposed to imagine them," you say slowly, worried that your friend is a lot dumber than you previously thought, but not wanting to say so right away.
"Uh, no shit. But, come on - that's clearly a box. That's a line. That's another lopsided box thing. What kind of idiot looks at Boxy McSquiggle and is like, 'Gee whiz, what a swell magic hunter man! Willikers!'"
You can't help but get a little defensive. Since you first figured out the concept of constellations (you have this memory of learning about them in fourth grade, but that can't be right, can it? you must have known about constellations before then), you've always had a soft spot in your heart for Orion. It was the first constellation you knew how to identify. His belt, the bow in his hand, his faithful dog, Sirius.
"Probably someone who had an imagination," you say, trying to inject as much acid as you can muster (which isn't much) into your voice.
"Probably someone who had way too much time on their hands, you mean," Jamie says, too focused on being clever to notice your attempt at sarcasm.
You sigh, because you're not really mad at Jamie. You never are. Sometimes you think being Jamie's friend is kind of like being a constellation yourself: you're pretty interesting and you've got some neat stories, but someone's gotta be pretty invested to find out about them, and - besides - you kind of pale in comparison to the loud, colorful carnival that is Jamie.
Jamie snickers. "Ha, look, those stars down there below his belt make up his dick."
"It's Orion's sword," you say.
"How's it hanging, Orion?" Jamie crows. "To the left!"
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Horoscopes: Who's your celebrity love match?
too bad you're not Matt Damon
or Zac Efron
or Kim Kardashian
or any Libra, really
because then we would date
we could go to the zoo
you could try and impress me with
facts you learned from
Steve Irwin
you could take me to the carnival
and bribe the ride operator to stop
the ferris wheel just like in
The Notebook
because all girls love The Notebook
we could go dutch
it would be no big deal
but it's not in the stars
sorry.
or Zac Efron
or Kim Kardashian
or any Libra, really
because then we would date
we could go to the zoo
you could try and impress me with
facts you learned from
Steve Irwin
you could take me to the carnival
and bribe the ride operator to stop
the ferris wheel just like in
The Notebook
because all girls love The Notebook
we could go dutch
it would be no big deal
but it's not in the stars
sorry.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Cons and Cons
I hardly think not changing the toilet paper roll is grounds for divorce. If we're going to fuck all this up, surely we can think of a better reason.
Like how I watch so much porn. Women aren't supposed to like that, right? Of course, you always watched it with me, which is one of the major reasons I married you in the first place.
Maybe that's a good excuse. "I find it hot that you like porn" probably shouldn't be a major reason for marriage.
You probably thought I loved you.
That probably pisses you off.
Or what about your cat? You know I'm allergic, and you have to admit it's fucking irritating when it scratches on the bedroom door at 5 a.m.
Credit card debt. A newfound interest in religion. Hamburger Helper. Conflicting astrological signs.
Like how I watch so much porn. Women aren't supposed to like that, right? Of course, you always watched it with me, which is one of the major reasons I married you in the first place.
Maybe that's a good excuse. "I find it hot that you like porn" probably shouldn't be a major reason for marriage.
You probably thought I loved you.
That probably pisses you off.
Or what about your cat? You know I'm allergic, and you have to admit it's fucking irritating when it scratches on the bedroom door at 5 a.m.
Credit card debt. A newfound interest in religion. Hamburger Helper. Conflicting astrological signs.
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